It’s been three weeks since I last updated here. Quite saddening the state of my writing, my blog, my life, everything indeed.
Over this period of time, there were quite some stressful days, and then there weren’t. Like I had a phase, where I had to go through a good amount of getting my ideas rejected until I finally managed to put up a final presentation and a final artefact. And it was awfully stressful, not knowing what to do, being clueless about what to work on, etc. Quite sure I had a point where I was sure I wouldn’t manage to finish it, and would rather have a breakdown instead. But then to think of it, I find it quite impressive the amount of rejected ideas I could come up with. Yes, I know it’s not something to be proud of, but it’s pretty insane how I could possibly think of so many ideas in general, that is, ignoring the fact that they got rejected. Honestly though, and because of the amount of rejection, it feels like nothing can match that. Sometimes, something goes wrong and I find myself thinking,”Oh this feels like nothing compared to when I got rejected so many times…” Somehow takes me back to when I was in 11th and failed an Accounts unit test. Nothing could possibly compare to how royally I failed then, and because of that one time, failure at times doesn’t seem like a major issue.
Also, I realized how quite a few times, I’ll just be sitting here pitying myself about something or the other. It’s funny to me how if I track the reason as to why I’m doing so, it usually tends to go back to the same few reasons, or same few people. And then there’s envy. You tend to envy what you do not have. So when I notice someone having something I could only wish I had, naturally the self-pity and envy begins. And maybe the solution to that is acceptance, but it’s known that acceptance as an idea itself could be hard to grasp onto, and harder to actually accept.
These days I don’t look out of the window before sleeping anymore. I don’t really spend much time thinking about things anymore. Not that I don’t want to, I just sometimes find it exhausting to. Times like these, I’m very glad for the weather. As I lay on my bed, I can see the lightning flash across the sky, and thundering sounds follow soon after.And it’s beautiful. To see the sky light up for a fraction of a second, and also illuminate my room for the same. Then soon, it’s pouring outside. And the rain lightly crashes against my window pane, and by this time, I’m in my own chain of thoughts, too absorbed to think of anything else. And then the rain crashing against my window, also soothes me enough, to make sure I fall asleep soon too.