Blog

#Sundays- Schools and Body Image.

you know whom to come to if you need to raise your kids right πŸ˜‰

School kids always have this absurd habit of mocking each other based off their appearances. And in all honesty, the only people who seem to enjoy school are the ones who make it miserable for the others. Hierarchy begins here, where you have the popular kids and the nerds. And of course, like every other system that has ever gone wrong, you worship the ones who are more outgoing, over the ones who actually are more focused and work towards their future. Instead of preaching ‘Live and Let Live’ so as to make sure both these parties lead a peaceful existence during their time in school, we deal with mockery coming from the superior popular class, which we can term as ‘bullying’.

sun2611

When we say ‘Actions speak louder than words’, can we also please teach children that sometimes words are enough actions to trigger some negative emotion amongst children of any age group? We see all these young adults, or even proper adults, who look at themselves in the mirror once in the day and that’s it. There is no self-love, and appreciation for the way one looks. Maybe it doesn’t bother them, but they don’t appreciate it either. It’s more like you look at your flaws, crib and cry and wonder why certain features you have are a certain way everytime you look into the mirror, but after a point, you just start ignoring your own self. And honestly, where does all of it begin? So many people I know of, talk about how they were fat-shamed in school. I, personally faced, skinny-shaming throughout my school life and continue to even as I continue my life outside school, but now I’ve learnt to just ignore it. But then, there are things that are never going to change. Like I will never love the way my hair naturally looks, because of the amount of times I’ve had school kids tell me it looks like a bird’s nest, or try to entangle something in it. You never really know, how what you do or say, is going to affect someone. So if you are going to tell me that “Yes, but that’s just children.”, well, here’s something you probably didn’t know- These are the same children that are going to make the future generation. With a world where we are pretty much exploiting all resources, call ourselves the smartest animals, and are on a constant downhill, the last thing anybody wants, is children who pull down other children, leading to adults with a low self-esteem and a bad body-image. If you’re going to raise your children, being okay with them passing derogatory remarks about others’ appearances, which happen to be something they don’t really have a say in, might as well not have children as such, for who wants children like that, who become parents like that, who lead to generation after generation of a system like that, and adults on one side who think they can comment whatever, and the other side who don’t care about themselves anymore at all.

 

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Being Alone, Jenga Blocks and First Impressions.

and i’m back here πŸ˜€

Well, my absence over the past few weeks could possibly be explained by a busy few last weeks of the semester, followed by pure laziness after coming home.

Lately, I’ve come to realize how looked down upon it is to spend time by yourself. It’s like a person who can go out there, put themselves out there, make themselves accessible, is the kind of person to look up to, and is the only kind acceptable. At times, you could be sitting alone enjoying a snack or so, in some cafe, only to end up meeting some friend sooner or later who asks you why you’re sitting alone. Curiosity is fine, until it goes, “So sad..I’ll give you company.” There is nothing sad about being alone. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean a feeling of loneliness has to be present. You can feel comfortable and at peace with your own company too. And honestly, as long as you’re fine with it, and do not feel the need to indulge in activities with others, to keep yourself occupied, it’s all good.

And sometimes, someone poses you with,”How will you find someone for yourself, if you continue acting like a loner?” Again, nothing wrong with enjoying being alone. Moreover, nothing wrong with believing the right person will eventually show up. Plus if you have to change things about yourself for someone, maybe that person isn’t the right one. Also, maybe you’ll not end up with anyone. But why is it so wrong? Again, why is the idea of being alone so wrong? Alone, can be independent too. The idea of finding someone, and not being alone is so glorified, we make people who are alone and at peace also question it at times. We make single people feel like they’re missing out on a lot. But when will we promote growth as an individual first? When will we promote knowing ourselves better, before going out and trying to get to know others more?
https://static.pexels.com/photos/267967/pexels-photo-267967.jpeg

Trust and faith, are things that build over time. And sometimes, miscommunications and misunderstandings can easily ruin it in a matter of seconds. They rightfully say that Pen is mightier than Sword. And these words are knives that often leave scars(Panic! At the Disco, hehe), so sometimes you have to make wise choices with what you say. Impulsive decisions, and words that aren’t meant to be said can often create a lot of damage. And the trust and faith can collapse like Jenga blocks falling down slowly, and then it’s all on the floor. And now you have to take the efforts to build it all again.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

First impressions of people can be so deceiving. So many people I’ve met, are nothing like what I thought they were when I first met them. But then, it’s also so hard to get that impression out of your head. Somewhere it’s there at the back of your head. Unless you’re very close to someone, and you know them too well, the impression you have of them stays. Like popular kids from school will always be nasty little bitches in my head forever (yes, very judgemental). And when you don’t know people well enough, and whatever knowledge you have of them is based off an impression you have of them, your initial feelings towards them also stay the same.

 

#Sundays- Winters, Curiosity and Stage Fear.

winter is coming.

With each passing day, the temperature keeps going lower, but not low enough to a point where I’m freezing to death. As a person who isn’t a big fan of the sunny days anyway, the cold outside is very much pleasing. We tend to like things that we can relate to in some way or the other. The weather is matching my ice cold heart.
Green Pine Trees Covered With Fogs Under White Sky during Daytime

No, but really though, the weather is being nice, at least to me, if not anyone else. It’s the perfect time to pour yourself a nice cup of coffee, listen to music, wrap yourself in a pile of blankets, binge-watch a TV show, etc. Would all be much more convenient if college hadn’t piled us with work so there’s that. Then again, I have spent my entire day napping, as it rained outside and it got colder, simply because of my ability to convince myself that I deserved a rest day, so it’s alright to wrap myself in a comfy jacket and cover myself with a blanket and doze off. Let’s say it’s a good time to say, “Winter is Coming.” #GoT
sun179

Also, it’s funny how easily people tend to misinterpret you. And the constant nosy and curious nature does get annoying at points. Yes, okay, we tend to tell children it’s good to be curious and that they should keep asking questions, but then there are grown-ups who do not know where to draw the line. Sometimes, someone tells you something, and you should possibly just accept that without questioning their reasons. Now, this is when they’re saying something about themselves, not making a universal statement of course. It’s like there’s a basic lack of respect for someone’s boundaries, and you cannot ask them to respect it without them questioning you or mocking you about the same.
adult, business, cablesStage fear is so horrible. It’s sadder when you know you didn’t always have it. It’s sad to know that at some point I was a person who loved being onstage, and would try out for all activities that involved the same, and now when I try auditioning, there’s shaky voice coming in, there’s forgetting lines, there’s a rushed tone and what not. To think of it, when did I get judged so bad, that now I can’t really face people? It’s weird to know that I know the answer to this, but don’t really know how to fix it. But maybe that’s how things go sometimes. You don’t know how to fix some things, and that’s okay. Maybe they’ll fix themselves over time, or maybe they won’t. The future is something I cannot really look into, so not much that I can claim about the same.

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Self-pity, Failures and Rain.

i’m back πŸ˜€

It’s been three weeks since I last updated here. Quite saddening the state of my writing, my blog, my life, everything indeed.

Over this period of time, there were quite some stressful days, and then there weren’t. Like I had a phase, where I had to go through a good amount of getting my ideas rejected until I finally managed to put up a final presentation and a final artefact. And it was awfully stressful, not knowing what to do, being clueless about what to work on, etc. Quite sure I had a point where I was sure I wouldn’t manage to finish it, and would rather have a breakdown instead. But then to think of it, I find it quite impressive the amount of rejected ideas I could come up with. Yes, I know it’s not something to be proud of, but it’s pretty insane how I could possibly think of so many ideas in general, that is, ignoring the fact that they got rejected. Honestly though, and because of the amount of rejection, it feels like nothing can match that. Sometimes, something goes wrong and I find myself thinking,”Oh this feels like nothing compared to when I got rejected so many times…” Somehow takes me back to when I was in 11th and failed an Accounts unit test. Nothing could possibly compare to how royally I failed then, and because of that one time, failure at times doesn’t seem like a major issue.

Also, I realized how quite a few times, I’ll just be sitting here pitying myself about something or the other. It’s funny to me how if I track the reason as to why I’m doing so, it usually tends to go back to the same few reasons, or same few people. And then there’s envy. You tend to envy what you do not have. So when I notice someone having something I could only wish I had, naturally the self-pity and envy begins. And maybe the solution to that is acceptance, but it’s known that acceptance as an idea itself could be hard to grasp onto, and harder to actually accept.
sun109

These days I don’t look out of the window before sleeping anymore. I don’t really spend much time thinking about things anymore. Not that I don’t want to, I just sometimes find it exhausting to. Times like these, I’m very glad for the weather. As I lay on my bed, I can see the lightning flash across the sky, and thundering sounds follow soon after.And it’s beautiful. To see the sky light up for a fraction of a second, and also illuminate my room for the same. Then soon, it’s pouring outside. And the rain lightly crashes against my window pane, and by this time, I’m in my own chain of thoughts, too absorbed to think of anything else. And then the rain crashing against my window, also soothes me enough, to make sure I fall asleep soon too.

#Sundays- Courage and Different People.

i’m so lazy, exhausted and tired and all that aaahhh just this week and then I’ll have a good weekend πŸ˜€

So, I skipped another Sunday, and it’s a good time to say I’m clearly bad at committing to this thing, like I’m at a lot of other things like exercising, eating healthy, practising singing daily, etc. Another thing I badly want to do and manage to let my laziness and fatigue get the best of me anyway. But hey, as I write this, my eyes are already shutting, but I’m here writing anyway because no, I don’t want to miss another Sunday. Sometimes, it feels like it’s been so long since I wrote, although I did so just yesterday in a journal.

Image result for it takes 20 seconds of courage
Image Source: Pinterest.

There’s this thing that I had once read and I believe in- Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and something good will come out of it. Honestly, if you had the courage to start something, if you had the courage to begin a venture, then you deserve to see it until the end. And sometimes, maybe you attempt something, and you don’t really know what you gained out of it, and that is fine too. Maybe sometimes, all you get out of doing something is the satisfaction of doing it, and sometimes that is good enough. And in the longer run, that is more than enough. Years later, you’re probably not going to remember who trusted you at that point, who didn’t, who was there for you, and who saw you accomplish something, etc. What will matter to you, is that you did it. You were scared, and nervous and worried and you went ahead and did it anyway. And there’s so much to be proud of in that simple moment. (The kind of motivation I need to get through finals week is right here, haha).

 

And then there are people. Certain people who do all these things for you, some things tiny, some things large, and maybe they don’t really realize how much it means to you, but it does. Sometimes you’re so used to being all by yourself, and your perpetual state of feeling nothing, it’s so weird to actually feel anything at all. And it’s all because of some other people’s actions? Aren’t they very much right about actions speaking louder than words?

And then there are people who can’t understand you. Certain people are always going to think that they know you well, they know what you’re probably thinking and feeling, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be true. You can try convincing them of your point, and if you’re lucky they’ll probably get it, but more often than not, it’s not the case. So it’s fine. Maybe they know you well, but at the end of the day, they’re their own person. And how much ever they try to understand you, their own ideas, thoughts, opinions, etc. is going to influence their perceptions of you. So it’s fine if they do not agree with what you think about your own self regarding something that probably matters to you. You can’t convince the whole world of everything and anything anyway.

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Internet Friendships & Happiness.

I forgot last Sunday effectively.

Another Sunday. I skipped the last one, because of very stupid reasons, but what’s gone is gone, and I can’t keep fretting over it all the time. So hey, I forgot to post last Sunday. I’m unproductive sometimes(the entire week), but hey, nevermind.

And it’s that time of the year. Friendship Day. A bit weird how we need a particular day to declare our love for our friends, but the same can be said about Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Valentines Day, etc. Although I’d like to believe if someone is your friend after a particular age, you know whether they are here to stay or not. Why do you need a particular day for that? Although sometimes a declaration from friends about how much you mean to them, could mean a lot. Moreover, it’s funny how people judge other people based on how they became friends with someone. I have friends I met over the internet, over a band obsession I had in high school, and we still talk. It’s been about 4 years since then, I’ve met them now, and we’re still pretty much in touch, and I know if I need any help, they’ll be there. In fact, I know if I ever find myself alone or lost in their hometowns, they’re just one call away. And for some reason, it makes me feel safe.Β  I’m not promoting internet friendship here or saying that everyone should add random people for friends, but I do believe that some things are just meant to happen, and friendships are one of them. Sometimes you meet people, and you just connect. And I’m not even the most social person there is. Hell, I’m the total opposite. And I still believe that certain people are meant to walk into your life and to stay.

sun608
Image Source: pexels.com

Also, a good conversation with a friend resulted into talking about Happiness. I’ve realized how aimless I am about what I see happiness as, in future. But maybe I do not need to see it as something in the future, but something that I’m supposed to achieve now. But currently, I’m a little tired of actually achieving anything in general. Moreover, I think, hope is what we all live on. We all like to hope for a better tomorrow, and it acts as a driving force for our present. So when I say, that I don’t really have much that I’m actually looking forward to, then what is my driving force here? And yes, I have a lifetime to figure out what I’m doing, and making peace with being this lost, but then I also wonder, if I really do have a lifetime, or is that something I keep telling myself, pretending to buy more time for myself, while my clock ticks by, each second as important as the one before..

 

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Thinking a lot.

i can’t think??

As time passes by, I’ve come to realize how much time I have to myself. Now when you get so much time to yourself, and when you’ve got nothing to do, you’re forced to be with your thoughts. I’ve come to realize that it’s not the best idea for me at least. Alone time is good. I cherish my own company over anyone else’s, but sometimes, giving so much time to just myself and my thoughts lead to certain dark corners of my mind that I do not like to go over. There are some lonely dark lanes that we are told to not go, after a certain point of time, during the day, and same could be said about the mind. It’s fine to just think about something, but once you intently start putting a lot of thought into it, that could be a bit dangerous. You could find yourself wishing that you hadn’t come this far. Moreover, sometimes these thoughts are about things that haven’t even happened. Maybe, it’s not about you at all, but someone altogether different. But it keeps coming to you, and that is very annoying.
sun237

Finally, my joblessness is going to come to an end, as my courses for college start tomorrow. Second year begins, and I don’t know how much my motivation levels will last, but lets at least start with a bit of enthusiasm, if not anything else. Signing up for an entire year’s course has been a bit of a pain, but it does make you feel more responsible. So if you don’t like what you do, you’re the only one to be blamed here.

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Writing, Peace and Winter.

so much written ah πŸ™‚

With each passing day, I grow lazier. I’ve been at home aka my PG room for the past 3 days, and you’d think I was at least a bit productive, but nope, nothing. What is saddening, is the fact that how once upon a time, I could eat up books in a matter of hours, and now I can’t even finish reading a 20-page book in 3 days. What a pathetic state. And when my reading has reduced this much, one can just imagine the condition of my writing skills.

sun167
Image Source: pexels.com

Every night before I sleep, I turn the lights off, and open the curtains slightly, to let a bit of the light from the streets pour in, and illuminate my room with a dim yellow shimmer. As I do this, before I go to sleep, I stare out the window, and onto the quiet, lonely street that I stay on. This is usually around midnight, and not a soul is around at this time. The street looks as lonely as it possibly could under the dim, depressing yellow streetlights, with no animals or people engaging in any sort of activity on this tiny lane. As I stare out at this point, a scenario which I might just have described to be depressing gives me immense peace on the inside. How? I don’t know. But something about just sitting at the window, in a room full of darkness, staring out into an empty street, a cozy blanket around, is very calming. And the silence of the night hour also gives me time to ponder over things. This is precisely the time, when I think about writing, and what I should be writing, and why am I not writing. And this is also precisely the time when I decide that I’ll definitely do it the next day, and end up not doing it. And I know, the only way I can actually accomplish it, is by actually starting and not waiting for motivation to happen. Let discipline take the cake, and I shall definitely try, but then again, there are too many pending things, and I know that unless I start finishing them off one by one, there is no way it’s going to happen but I experience a slight gap between knowing what is to be done and actually doing it.

https://static.pexels.com/photos/448835/pexels-photo-448835.jpeg
Image Source: pexels.com

Also, lately I realize that I haven’t written poetry in so long. Every night I think of that too. And I don’t know if it happens to others, but sometimes there are certain things I see, certain people I meet, or certain incidents that happen, that make me go, “Hey I could write a poem on this.” Now it’s not like I’m meeting these people, or experiencing certain things just so I could write about it, but it’s like an involuntary action happening, where my brain just immediately clicks and asks me to pen it down, it’s just that I never really get to it. Moreover, I remember a few months back I was pondering over how my writing style has changed, especially with respect to poetry as I went from writing pieces with choruses that would fit a rhythm and meter, to just long pieces with rhyme and tune to free verse and to narrative style. And it’s nice to see that, but I just felt like as I moved to more free verse and narrative, the sense of music started to slip out, and as much as it’s not a bad thing and these are individual styles in itself too, a part of me really doesn’t want to let go of the previous ones. These are where I started and I still would love to go back to the same. Write to the music in my head.

Image result for dead poets society quotes
Image Source: pinterest.com

Today, I was discussing with a friend how certain people just use fancy words while talking or writing just to sound smarter. Now to me, writing is about communicating something so I believe it should be simplistic but at the same time good enough to convey the message you want to put across/make another person visualise something well enough. But then again, the simplicity of writing is a subjective concept. What is simplistic to me, might not be the same for the next person. Maybe I’ll feel dumb for not understanding certain terms, and the other person just finds these same terms normal. But what might be a good thing to do here, is probably find out what these fancy words you don’t know mean are. Not only would that add to one’s vocabulary, but also make them realize if the person writing/speaking is making any sense or not.

Related image
Image Source: fanfest.com

And, lastly, tomorrow morning, the first thing I do, even before I brush my teeth is, turn my laptop on, and download the first episode of Game of Thrones Season 7. Because WINTER IS FINALLY HERE. The Great War is here. And anybody who gives me spoilers should know that I choose violence πŸ™‚

 

 

#Sundays- Moving out, and Appearances.

So my ‘post every Sunday regime’ got broken already as I didn’t post last Sunday. Hmm, that’s a bit of sad state my dedication levels are at. You’d think this would be a long post, but sadly, it isn’t.

For starters, I’m back in Bangalore. Single room, quiet and simple town life. We were busy moving everything to the new room, which would explain why I couldn’t post. As the week progressed, I saw newbies come to our PG. And just like any other senior, I find them dumb. It’s funny watching them struggle to carry their huge bags up the stairs and asking very stupid questions, not knowing the locality, etc. Such a throwback to last year when we were in their place. I love knowing that a year has gone by. We are no more the new batch. We are seniors. And it’s another three years till the degree.

Image result for the teal door cafe
Image Source: foodlovers.in

Today we went to The Teal Door Cafe, for lunch, with the dear family of my close PGmates. And as much as I’m not a fan of going out, or spending much anymore, I appreciate the presence of certain people quite a lot even if I fail at expressing it. We always have those people who make things seem alright. And it’s so nice to have them around. Although next time, I’d probably like going for dinner instead of lunch because I don’t want to wake up, haha.

As I moved out, I was a bit worried if I’d find myself lonely sometimes. But at least for now I don’t. I find myself at the old building with my friends pretty much every day, also given the fact that the mess is there. It’s nice to know that I can just show up there and we can spend time together, have a good chat, eat, and have fun. It’s also nice that I can come back here and enjoy my peace. However, I still haven’t quite figured out why this place feels safe and my home in Mumbai doesn’t. Maybe someday I’ll know.
sun97

 

Lately, I realized when you’re close to someone, you give them rights, to be honest with you, but sometimes it might come out wrong. Like being honest is good, being honest about how someone looks is not? I don’t think one person or a bunch of close ones should get to decide what looks good on you and what doesn’t. People who are close to you are supposed to be the ones who see beauty in you the way you are, and not ones who ask you to change things about yourself just so you look appealing to them. There are so many dumb people out there with nothing but good eyebrows, nobody goes and asks them to get a brain transplant, so hey, how about we stop making it seem like you can’t do a thing if you don’t look pretty?

 

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Expenses, Approaches and Going back.

I’m so lazy, sleepy and unproductive.

As usual, I write at the end of the day. I’d like to pretend that I do so because I want to experience whatever this day has to offer me, and then pen whatever gets stuck on my mind, but as we know I’m too much of a pessimistic, lazy, procrastinating asshole for that. But today, I am writing about something about the day. We went for dinner to this really fancy restaurant. And now, my parents seem to be totally fine with the overpriced items on the menu, but I wasn’t. Of course, they are paying, so I do not need to worry, but I can’t help but do so. I’ve become so used to my staying away lifestyle, where I have to worry about expenses, that a good majority of things are expensive for me. Yes, that restaurant was genuinely expensive, but lately, I’ve come to realize how obsessed I am with how much things are costing. Moreover, me being the pessimistic person I am, is no help whatsoever, as I let my mind wander and convince myself that I won’t get a job or grades, or anything that I probably want, even if I work for it. I’ve come to realize that I need to stop worrying about a job, and paying my parents back for investing in my costly as hell degree, for now at least. I need to just keep giving my best at what I do, and hopefully, things fall into place. But all of this is better said than done. I know once I get back to Bangalore by the weekend, I’ll be back to being the person who has accepted that she won’t get a job as a product designer, as a fact.

bank notes, business, cash
Image Source: pexels.com

Talking about Bangalore, I have gotten myself so comfortable at home, it’s going to take me a few days getting used to PG life again. But I know I will be able to, given the friends I have there. I’ll of course be missing home, and the people who make this city home. The part about being in Mumbai I like the most is the food, but also that I don’t have to care about anything. Parents are here, and living under their roof has rules, but there’s a lot of being carefree too. Being an introvert, I don’t go out often especially at night or anything, thus not breaking any of their rules. Plus hey, I don’t have to worry about money, or where anything is kept, or cleanliness, etc. Fully dependant life that I totally enjoyed for two whole months, with no shame whatsoever. It’s going to be hard getting back to doing certain chores at least, even though most things at PG are managed by the domestic helpers there. But a part of me knows I have to do this, because literally, the only thing I accomplished in the past two months is being lazy and unproductive. Yes, when I’m in Bangalore I have to be responsible and worried, and I become pessimistic and annoying but in all honesty, all that does lead me to do what I do, and utilize the minimum amount of spare time I get into doing something I like pretty well. So yeah, it might be a bit hard for the first few days, but eventually, I know I’ll get used to it again, and it’ll all be good.

 

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Cricket, Memes and Creativity.

Well, well, well…

Today, we saw Pakistan emerge victorious in the ICC Champions Trophy, and let’s say quite a few Indians were really really disappointed. As usual, our news channels were quick at pointing out flaws, adding exaggerated headlines, and what not. It’s so easy to do so, isn’t it? Sit in front of a screen, or even in a stadium, and just pass comments. It’s so easy to judge when the subject isn’t you. But when it’s something personal or close, we have to be sensitive and defend ourselves against everything anyone has to say. Now I’m someone who admires performing arts. I’ve also been onstage a few times now and then. Even then there’s a kind of pressure. Stage fright and nervousness about how things will turn out. And this is to a tiny audience, nothing major. When cricketers play in a stadium, the people are in thousands. Cheering and booing at their every move. Even if you practise day and night there’s got to be pressure. And nobody likes losing. You can be sporting about the defeat but nobody plays with an intention to lose. Moreover, as I said, pointing fingers is easy. Doing something isn’t. People in our country, don’t just see Cricket as a sport. It’s more to them. A lifeline of sorts. But at some point, everyone has to understand that the players are humans too and wins and losses are bound to happen. They lost, it’s alright. Life goes on…

Image result for icc champions league 2017
Image Source: Hindustan Times

But what I also like about this is the amount of humour. For a lover of memes like me, it’s a beautiful time to exist. For once, I find myself sharing memes on the entire scenario of the match that is going on, and not self-deprecating ones. Before the match, I saw memes mocking the other team, and when we were on the losing side, I saw memes about that too. Like we can make memes out of anything. Humour just comes to us, doesn’t it? I love how this happens though. This is a situation where all my die-hard cricket fan buddies are genuinely disappointed. Yet something about these memes and humour is helping them out here. Humour, rising out of sadness. Impressive.

Image result for hockey world league 2017 india
Image Source: Firstpost

On the other hand, we did win the Hockey World League semi-finals. This was India V/S Pakistan too, and we won by 7-1. But of course, much importance isn’t being given here, because it’s not cricket. Huge victory anyway though. It’s high time everyone started noticing and giving importance to sports other than cricket too.

write
Image Source: pexels.

In other irrelevant news, I continue having my minor jerks of creativity, where I need to get my ideas somewhere. This used to happen to me with respect to book plots because I really want to be an author someday. Now, it happens to me with film plots too. And of course, all these ideas lie idle in one corner of my head. Hopefully, I get them on paper someday. Maybe that’d be more plausible if I was more organised with what I did and how I did. For example, if I wrote regularly, I’d probably have a book by now, but no, I don’t. Because I keep procrastinating under the pretext of ‘not being inspired enough to pen down anything.’ I wonder if it happens to every creative person though? Random ideas and then not really knowing what to do with it. Or just not being inspired enough. Or wanting to see the end of that idea but not being able to do justice to work on it.

 

 

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Rains and Longing

I might be a bit obsessed with rains..

As I write this, with a stomach overly filled because of my inability to stop eating when there’s good food, regardless of how full I already am, I look back over the week I had, my eyes slightly drooping as the clock strikes 11:38 pm. Funny how doing absolutely nothing can also tire you out.

rain
Image Source: http://www.pexels.com

Over the past week, I had the joy of witnessing a lot ofΒ  rains in my city of Mumbai. However, these weren’t proper downpours, the kind that I like. But rains nevertheless, appreciated by the pluviophile that I am. A part of me awaits to go to Bangalore and move into my new room, which is closer to the terrace so I can go to the terrace whenever it rains, and just sit there enjoying the feeling of water droplets falling all over me, consuming me. What I have also come to realize is the different scenarios associated with rain needn’t necessarily feel the same to all. Like I always thought that reading a book as it rains, and sipping coffee at the same time, is a heavily blissful experience, but as someone who tried it, let’s say I didn’t particularly enjoy it. It wasn’t bad, it was just not out of the ordinary for me, individually. On the other hand, sleeping to the sound of rain pouring outside, hitting on rooftops and making noise has got to be one of the best feelings to me personally.

Water Droplets on Clear Glass
Image Source: http://www.pexels.com

 

It really needs to pour for a few days at a stretch here in Mumbai. It bothers me to know that these showers can’t tame the heat here. It needs to get colder and more pleasant. Now that’s what I love and miss about Bangalore. The climate is heavenly compared to home. Yes, it’s cold and it takes incredible efforts to get out of bed every morning to get to college but sometimes that’s literally all you need and want.

 

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Terrorism, Feminism and Weddings.

Too many thoughts going around in my head, over the week. πŸ™‚

The last time I posted, I was talking about the Manchester Attack at Ariana’s concert. And over the week, there have been quite a few terrorist attacks in different parts of the world including Muslim countries like Afghanistan, killing innocent people. As it turns out, Muslims are quite a large population of victims of terrorism too, then why do we get the rights to blame it all on them? Yes a good majority of terrorists that are known or organizations that are known might be Muslim, but there’s also the same people and organizations formed from non-muslims too. Is it hard to establish that terrorism has no religion?
What a shame it is, to know that we are so obsessed with destroying each other. Killing each other, and then putting the label of a certain group or religion on it, because that makes it so much better doesn’t it? Instead of finding out the culprits, we can thus be suspicious of everyone’s motives with us.unnamed (3)

Moving on, I like to believe I’m a feminist. I believe that both genders are equal and should be given equal rights. And women right now, need to be empowered so that we can be as good as the men in our society. And empowered women empower women. #GirlLove is so important. But due to a turn of events that took place over the weekend, I’ve come to realize that women don’t think twice before pulling each other down just to make themselves feel good about their own existence. It’s pitiful for any human to be doing that, and being able to lead their normal life knowing they probably made someone feel really bad about themselves. And what is it with commenting on someone’s looks? Your facial features are supposed to be a bonus, not the whole package. So many people preaching feminism and women empowerment and then not even thinking once before spreading hate against another one from our community of women. What gives any woman the right to go ahead and insult another? Is it just to make herself feel better and different from others? Because that’s going to just help you as an individual feel better and do absolutely nothing about being better as a community.Β images (40)

The week for me, was an entirely hectic one. With a relative’s marriage, where I came to the realization that marriage is just not for me, I think that’s enough for me. Marriages are such extrovert meet-ups. And it’s not even like extroverts need to meet-up. They do it anyway. Now at this wedding, there were so many unknown relatives, one of them suggested my mother dearest, that she’ll soon have a son-in-law. Let’s talk about how this woman doesn’t even know me. But she’s already all prepped up for my marriage, which ain’t happening for a multitude of reasons. Lets begin with my inability to extrovert at someone else’s wedding, let alone my own. Then, I have way too many goals to accomplish, and being someone’s wife is very unfortunately, not one of them. Goals before assholes.Β images (42)

During this wedding period of 4-5 days, which were merrily spent with my relatives(please note the sarcasm), I happened to have heard some more comments which made absolutely no sense. A cousin was getting yelled at for back-answering someone older, and as much as I know he should be, because back-answering isn’t done, what he did was, in my opinion, not anything wrong. Maybe he should have had a lid on his temper, so yes, yell at him for that. But what kind of logic is,”He/She is right because he/she is older.” Well, relatives, you’re older too, but you’re ignorant too. Most people who are a few generations older, happen to not be open to a good majority of topics, and are really narrow-minded when it comes to accepting and coming to terms with a good amount of concepts and ideologies. So no, just because you’re older, you’re not necessarily wiser.Β 20170604_185325

Finally, I write this sitting in a nice cozy room in the cool hillstation of Panchgani, as a nice view of the valley is right outside the window to my left. It feels good, to finally relax and take a breath in relief, with no extroverts socializing around me. In the past few days, I had experienced severe annoyance with everyone, but I also did experience some nice occurences too. Like the car ride yesterday evening, I saw the colours of the sky change from blues to violets and reds as the lower curves of the clouds seemed to be highlighted by the oranges and reds, the sun setting soon. The beautiful valley of Panchgani, appeals a lot to me. The quiet here is something I’m enjoying right now, but I’m quite sure I’ll be finding it eerie soon enough. The cool breeze here and the quiet are taking me back to the tiny town in Bangalore where I stay most of the year, because education. The weather is something I’m indulging in, and I know in just another month, it’ll be a regularity for me.
πŸ™‚

Dead Poets Society

one of the few movies that stay with you?

Might have spoilers, if you haven’t watched it..

Watched this classic very recently for the first time ever (yes, I’m really late on pretty much everything), and then I literally couldn’t hold it back and I had to pen it all down. This movie is such a beauty. It’s been like two days since I watched it for the first time, and I do not mind watching it again even now. We all have our ‘must watch’ movies and ‘all time favorites’. And this one happens to have made it’s way to both lists for me, on an individual level.

Watched this classic very recently for the first time ever (yes, I’m really late on pretty much everything), and then I literally couldn’t hold it back and I had to pen it all down. This movie is such a beauty. It’s been like two days since I watched it for the first time, and I do not mind watching it again even now. We all have our ‘must watch’ movies and ‘all time favorites’. And this one happens to have made it’s way to both lists for me, on an individual level.

Let’s talk John Keating. Robin Williams has done such a wonderful job at playing the character. And somewhere don’t we all need a John Keating in our lives? Maybe not a teacher in a literal way, but definitely a person who teaches us to sometimes just look at things from a different perspective. Someone who constantly tells us to go seize the day, and that we have the power to make our lives extraordinary. More importantly, let’s talk about how Keating was a teacher who believed in his students. How he had faith in all of them, even Todd who sat there timidly for most of the part. And yes, maybe he made things for Todd a little awkward by suddenly forcing him into a poetry exercise, but the way he came up with that poem, and the words from Keating, surely helped Todd break out of his shell at least a bit. dps2

What I love most about Keating is, he didn’t stick by the syllabus. The book wasn’t his bible, and he wasn’t just teaching these boys something straight out of a book that they’ll learn for an exam, and then forget. He was trying to teach them something that would stay with them forever. He was molding their personas, one step at a time. He was teaching them how to think and not what to think. He was letting these boys venture into their own mind and soul, letting them explore, if it can be put that way. And I think that this was very important. In a world, where we are all given the same education, and the only thing that makes us different compared to the other person is a few numbers on a sheet of paper, how important do you think you are as a person? How much do you matter to yourself? How well do you know yourself? When someone asks you a question, do you give a generic answer that probably a thousand more are going to give, or do you reply based off what you think and believe in? To not just educate someone to be a good adult, but to educate someone to think and believe, is something, that needs to be done more often.

dps1

The idea of Dead Poets Society, sounded very intriguing. I loved how the boys were slowly opening up to Keating, and soon enough Dead Poets Society was on. It’s like they had warmed up to him, and his unconventional ways of doing things, his philosophies and ideologies, etc. Although I felt like Neil was the only one who was actually in the society for the poetry and his bond with the boys, and I didn’t really appreciate how the others in the group weren’t really much about poetry, I really liked how these boys had grown so close to each other. And somewhere, Keating and the society meetings were helping these boys to grow as individuals, and in Keating’s words,”Seize the day.”

dps3

Neil’s death was horribly painful. To see him grow as a person throughout the movie and then ending up like that was devastating. Moreover, it seemed like things were falling in place when his father allowed him to play his part in the play, even though he ordered him to give it up just a day back. Knox and Chris seemed to be working out, and Charlie, or Nuwanda, wasn’t suspended. All seemed well, but then Neil’s father decided that Neil won’t make decisions for himself, and thus forces Neil to change schools and also declares that he will be a doctor. And very evidently it was too much for Neil to take. The sad part is, this still happens so many times, in today’s era too. Parents do not realize that their children can make their own decisions, and when it comes to a career choice, they should probably be allowed to. Children are not parents’ puppets, that they can just puppeteer all their lives.

Todd’s reaction to Neil’s death was heartbreaking. But what was worse, was Meeks ratting out the Dead Poets Society. But I did come to realize that he didn’t really have a choice per say. It was either them or Keating, and they didn’t get to choose. Their future mattered, and as much as they loved Keating, they had to sign the papers, even if unwillingly so.

And Keating did leave, but what stayed was Todd standing on his table and yelling “O Captain, my Captain!”, for him, followed by the rest of the boys. Todd, of all the people, did that, was what was impressive. It just showed how much he respected Keating and everything he had done for all of them. And I think that for me, seized the day.

Detach.

Last one for #PoetryMonth

Do you just detach yourself
And regret attaching yourself
From someone you thought,
For you they’d have fought.
But now the truth lies right there,
And you’ve had your fair share,
Of suffering
And trying
At keeping
The boat afloat.
And you’ve tried a lot,
A lot you fought.
But sometimes you cut the chord,
Even though it might seem hard
Maybe freedom is the only reward,
But soon, you’ll value the liberty,
And find someone genuinely trustworthy.

A/N: Anddd I successfully finish #PoetryMonth yay ^_^ . I’ll probably be taking a tiny break, before posting anything else, but for now i feel so accomplished for having made it πŸ˜€

Good Things are coming.

Oooooh, I got a good feeling.

When the days are bad,
And you end up sad,
Lying in bed, eyes filled with tears,
Silent screams that no one hears,
But you keep going on, telling yourself,
Good things are coming, all will be well.

And its all storm and thunder,
And you’re left to wonder,
If things will ever be right,
But you have faith, you hold on tight,
Sun shall shine, after the rain,
Good things shall come, gone will be the pain.

So when finally, the sun shines,
The dark clouds are gone, after all this time.
And you can feel an inner voice say,
Here is what you wanted, your happy day.
And you look back at how far you came,
You smile and realize you won the game.
And how did you do that? Was it possible?
You knew good things were coming,
You weren’t weak or feeble.

Now you know what to do,
When you feel all alone and blue
So when every negative thought strikes like a sword,
You hold your shield, like a priceless reward.
And you tell yourself what you dearly believe,
Good things are coming, good days to live.

 

A/N: Sorry for the delay in putting up today’s work.. I kept on procrastinating and later my internet gave up on me πŸ™‚Β 

A little strange.

Finally, summer break.

It feels a little weird,
To be back home,
And a part of me wonders
Will I still feel alone?

And it’s strange adapting to the mannerisms,
Which I actually grew up in,
It’s like a trip back in time
And I don’t know if it’s a win.

It’s a little hard to grasp,
That I’m finally back here
After such a long wait,
Back to my hometown so dear.

 

A/N: I’M HOMEEEEEE !!!!!!!! Finally, ahhh. 17-hour bus journey later, I’m here for a good 2 months yay!

Time to go.

I’m back on track πŸ˜›

It’s time, it ends,
For a while, leaving these friends,
But I was so used to it all,
Grown to like it, familiar were these walls.

Missing the comfort of home,
And liking the life alone,
We came a long way together,
From being tiny buds, to spreading our feathers.

And I know it’s not the end,
I know we’ll meet again
And I’ll have a good time home,
But I don’t mind starting over, all alone.

 

A/N: So, 1 year away from home, and I’m all geared up to go back home, but I have grown to love my PG life and staying away from home ahhh :):

Judgement.

jury πŸ™‚ tomorrow πŸ™‚

Putting so much effort into your work
And judgement day comes
You await what they say,
Your work is all ready and done.
And you want to get through
For this to pass so badly,
But a part of your heart,
Worries
Will this work out?
You console yourself, and wait,
For the judgement to come
And you make peace with the fact,
That even if its bad,
You’ll be fine.
Maybe now, maybe later.
But you know you’ll be fine.
Maybe now, maybe eventually.
You’ve seen the storm now,
So just the drizzle, is pleasant.
And you shut that umbrella,
To enjoy it, and walk around,
Embrace it.

 

A/N: So, the reason I’m writing this, is because my final jury for this academic year is tomorrow, and I’m genuinely worried, seeing that I had a shit jury last semester. But I’m fine even if it doesn’t go well. I’ve fallen last semester, but at least I know my work has improved and isn’t as bad as it was back then. And for this poem, I feel like it also applies to those who are going to go onstage and face a crowd, experiencing that last minute anxiety.. (Been there, done that). πŸ™‚

Unending Nights

These are the nights that never die πŸ™‚

The right people, the right place,
Having fun, away from all stress.
A bunch of close ones, huddled together,
As the stars shine, and cool is the weather.

Playing games, and laughing a lot,
Sharing the food we’d got.
Cussing at each other for no reason,
We talked thunder, lightning, changing seasons.

And as the breeze blew strong,
Blowing our hair, quite long,
We lay there, talking about it all,
And noticing shooting stars that fall.

And as the hours passed by,
And the night started to die,
Each of us wanted time to pause,
Not wanting these moments to be lost.

But when the sun rose,
The black fading, the blue grows
We lay there silently, taking it in,
And going our homes with a smile,
A lot within.

 

A/N: So, We had a sleepover on our terrace yesterday night, and it was one of those times where I was genuinely having fun. One of those nights, which I wished wouldn’t end. And well, living away from home, I miss my friends back home a lot, so usually when I’m with people I’ve met here, I just feel that I’d rather be with my friends back home, and that I’d enjoy it more with them than with anyone else. But yesterday night was just the perfect amount of everything. And it’s sad that this happened to be the last day of the year when we could do this, seeing that we’ll be heading home soon this week. But hey, there’s three more years I have πŸ™‚

The boy who was friends with a ghost.

The title is the poetry prompt…

It’s hard to get out there,
To befriend children, and have fun.
That’s the issue little John faced,
Friends, he had none.

But did he feel sad?
No, not at all.
In fact, he was quite content,
Given his talks with the wall.

Every night past bedtime,
Once his parents had him tucked in,
He’d get back up, once they were gone,
And call out to his friend.

One moonlight night, his mother heard,
Her son talking to someone.
Enraged, she quietly peeped into the room,
And she saw him talking, but to none.

Confused for a second, she waited,
Until a white shadow appeared,
Of a boy about the age of John,
With him John walked, and in the dark disappeared.

Terrified, the mother came in,
Calling out to her son,
Trying to make sense of everything,
Her son seemed to be gone.

They called up the police,
And awaited their presence,
The parents couldn’t stop thinking
About their son’s absence.

Once the police arrived,
They were informed about the case,
And also about a ghost
To which they made a skeptical face.

And to everyone’s surprise,
John was fast asleep in bed,
He was woken up and asked about it,
His ‘friend’ was messing with their heads.

Soon, they were convinced,
The mother imagined a lot of things,
Only John knew the reality,
His friend gave him wings.

 

A/N: Writing a narrative after really long..

Today I am.

Gah, can u feel the happiness of finals week being over?!

Today I am,
A 6-year old,
My mother’s hand I hold.
Running in a polka dot dress,
Eating the birthday cake, making a mess.
Blowing the candles and laughing,
As the other kids are clapping.

Today I am,
The dog at the window,
That looks with hope, at the meadows.
Waiting for its master to come back,
And when he does, woofing with joy.

Today I am,
The broke college kid, walking down the street,
Finding a dollar bill, his happiness, not discreet.
Pocketing it quietly, he is suddenly hopeful,
Did I describe myself? I’m skeptical.

 

A/N: And I’m happyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Calm.

The end of finals week inspired me to do this lol

Leaves in autumn
Falling beautifully,
Hitting the ground,
Oh, so, gently.
And the tree losing it all
To gear up for a fresh start.
Are there any regrets from either part?
Not at all.

Waves on a beach,
Taking in sand, so slowly,
And lightly carving patterns
On it’s surface at the edges.
Serenity, is it?

Clear skies, and doves flying,
Whistling noises with the wind
Is this what peace feels like?

 

A/N: My final project for the academic year is done, and this is what freedom feels like! :’)

Trip Down Memory Lane.

Old poems of mine remind me how much I have changed, not just the writing style, but the content et cetera.

Everytime, on the radio, that song plays
To those beats my hips sway,
But this time, no arms around my waist,
All alone, I still remember those days..

Those photos of us, still living in the love,
Wish things went back to the perfection it was..

This is what happens when,
I take a trip down memory lane,

Songs on shuffle, photos in the frame,
Remind me of you all along,
Remind me you are a lost cause
And remind me why I don’t like
Trips down memory lane.

Places where we used to hang out,
And all the kisses we shared,
All of those memories remind me,
There was a time you cared..

The teddy you bought me still hugs me,
Reminds me that you once loved me,

This is what happens when,
I take a trip down memory lane,

Those pillow fights and red rose bouquets,
Remind me of my best mistake,
Remind me we were insane
Remind me why I don’t like,
Trips down memory lane..

It ended too soon, but no regrets
Felt like a dream, it had to end..
But over it I won’t fret,
Loved you like it was the end

These Memories in my heart are fixed,
Feelings right now, totally mixed
Sorting all this may take me a while,
And who knows I may see you some time

This is what happens when,
I take a trip down memory lane
Those sweet messages and long calls,
Remind me that now you’re gone,
Remind me I’m all alone,
Remind me why I don’t like
A trip down memory lane

This is what happens when,
I take a trip down memory lane,
Everything out there, seems to remind me of him,
But I got no regrets, knew it had to end,
Remind me everything is okay,
But I still don’t like
A trip down memory lane..

A/N: An old one, and I know I’m running a day late, but plis spare me, there’s too much work at hand, given that it’s finals week, and my final submission is tomorrow. Plus I’ve been sick for the past 5 days now ugh. I’ll hopefully get back on track tomorrow with 2 poems in here.

Home

Old one again πŸ™‚

They say Home is a place, a warm comfy abode,
But I’d rather say it is not a place at all..

For me Home isn’t a place but a feeling,
Home is the first person thought of when you feel scared
Home is running into your loved one, with your heart scarred.
Home is feeling at peace with two arms wrapped around you,
Home is the ticking of time when whatever is pleasing you do

Home is spilling drunken truths to someone special,
Home is seeing someone cry for they feel your pain.
Home is the scars on your wrist replaced by someone’s grip
Home is midnight kisses and waking up to breakfast and surprises.

Home is the group hug of friends after a long while,
Home is the sneaking out of house at midnight with friends
Home is those bucket lists with them,
Home is those candid pictures, texts and feelings.

Home is spending time on what you love,
Home is living life the best you can.
Home is forgetting all else for your passion
Home is love, happiness and satisfaction.

They say Home is a place, a warm comfy abode,
But I’d rather say it is not a place at all..
It’s a feeling after all.
A feeling after all.

Art.

So bring on the rebels, the ripples from the pebbles, the painters, and poets and plays πŸ™‚

They dance to the rhythm,
Composed by a musician.
His beats and melodies,
Grooving to symphonies.
And then shamelessly go ahead
Bashing a learner, a newbie,
Putting it in his head,
That he’ll never be a
Beethoven or a Mozart.
But maybe all he needs,
Is to be himself. He is art.

Admiring paintings in exhibitions,
But making sure their kids face
The same pressure and competition
Art is not a way to sustain living,
They say.
They’re right.
Art isn’t a way to sustain living.
Art is a way of living.

The writers up at 3 A.M,
Battling their inner selves.
And then having to go through the pain
Of facing people, whose words are vain.
Because they buy all these bestsellers,
And then become these preachers,
Talking about their love for books,
And conveniently disrespecting
The one who wants to add one too.

And anyone with a camera,
Can make a movie, they claim.
A bit of a failure,
And everyone is ready to blame.
Hiding behind their popcorn,
They laugh and giggle and smile.
And absolutely forget to acknowledge
The efforts of the maker, all this while.

 

A/N: Love how, when you take a different career path, or take any choice which is not generic by societal standards, everyone is all set to offer free advice, and even try to convince you to change. Sometimes, when they don’t know what you’re talking about, they’ll ask you about it, and then use that limited information to convince you how unappealing whatever you’re into, is. There is struggle in any field, so why is it hard to accept that there is the same even in all these artsy fields? Moreover, why do we want to make choices with no struggle whatsoever? Why do we need to be handed everything in a platter?

Books.

Let’s be proud as writers, and readers.

Pen, paper and ink,
No time to blink,
Creating worlds full of colour,
With mere black and white words.

A detective all stressed,
This case was all messed.
Who stole the jewels?
And who is the murderer?
The reader would be a wonderer.

And a true story, so appealing,
Of a prisoner, a soldier, a king.
Non-fiction catching everyone off guard,
Sometimes leaving some scarred.

Fantasy to enthrall everyone,
Monsters, wizards, it’s all fun.
The different spells and languages,
Spread across so many pages.

How can we forget poetry?
The essence and the symphony.
Sometimes in rhythm, sometimes not,
Short or long, it means a lot.

Caught between the pages,
Are these different worlds,
It’s all up to you,
Where you choose to go.

Taking you away from reality,
All the lines and dialogues, so witty
Engrossed into these books,
Can’t get off the hook.

 

A/N: I had written this back in time. Wanted to write something new, but I have absolutely nothing in me alive right now to pen down. Maybe in a day or two, I could write about the nothingness I feel at this moment. Maybe I’ll survive πŸ™‚

Forget Me Not.

Recycling is something I take very seriously.

Long gone are the nights I spent talking to you on the phone
Long gone is that love in your eyes and I’m back to all alone
Too numb for tears now, questioning why all the time
Why you suddenly vanished into thin air and left me in the void?

Regret you I don’t,for once you were the reason for my smile
Felt like forever even though it was only a little while.
For me you were the entire book but i was just a chapter for you..

But I hope you forget me not..
And one day u walk into the park,
See that girl wearing the pink and blue flower tiara
Of which the pink buds remind you of me
For I loved pink and once you got one for me..
And I hope you forget me not, not so soon
And somewhere it aches you for treating me
The way you did, the way you hurt me
And finally you realize you lost me.

I hope you see someone who won’t be a proper eater,
And it reminds you of all the times I would mess up,
While eating the pizza slice and dropping the tomatoes
And you’d laugh up over how messy I was…

But I hope it somewhere breaks your heart then,
And it finally dawns upon you that the time is gone,
When I was by your side, ready to stand all alone.

Forget me not, dear lover,
For it took me all the courage I had,
To walk away from you and leave my heart behind..
Forget me not, Forget me not
For all those nights I stayed up for you,
For all those times we made memories together,
Forget me not, cause memories is all that’s there now.

Tears smearing the ink of my words on the paper,
Only make me realize this fact harder,
It’s probably just me who can forget you not,
Not for the ways you broke my heart,
Not for the reasons you just took my for granted,
Not for all the nights I cried to sleep
Or all those arguments that left me sleepless throughout…
Forget you not, for all those memories we had.
For all those fights on who pays the bill
For the hugs and kisses and that sweet cologne
But mostly for you were once the only thing I ever even wanted..
And you were the center of my universe
My sunshine and you did, light up my world and galaxies.

A thought just keeps spinning in my head,
Did I matter that little to you?
That you forgot me in a blink..
And here I am wanting you to forget me not.
Remembering the little things I always did,
And seeing bits of me in people you meet,
Realizing I’m long gone
But it’s probably just me, who can’t
Forget you at all.

 

A/N: An old one again, I recycle a lot. I want to get back into writing these kinds, which have repetitive phrases and are more musical in their own way. Also, I was initially not going to put this, but then I reread it and let’s say I’m a bit impressed with my own self πŸ˜‰