#Sundays- Winters, Curiosity and Stage Fear.

winter is coming.

Advertisements

With each passing day, the temperature keeps going lower, but not low enough to a point where I’m freezing to death. As a person who isn’t a big fan of the sunny days anyway, the cold outside is very much pleasing. We tend to like things that we can relate to in some way or the other. The weather is matching my ice cold heart.
Green Pine Trees Covered With Fogs Under White Sky during Daytime

No, but really though, the weather is being nice, at least to me, if not anyone else. It’s the perfect time to pour yourself a nice cup of coffee, listen to music, wrap yourself in a pile of blankets, binge-watch a TV show, etc. Would all be much more convenient if college hadn’t piled us with work so there’s that. Then again, I have spent my entire day napping, as it rained outside and it got colder, simply because of my ability to convince myself that I deserved a rest day, so it’s alright to wrap myself in a comfy jacket and cover myself with a blanket and doze off. Let’s say it’s a good time to say, “Winter is Coming.” #GoT
sun179

Also, it’s funny how easily people tend to misinterpret you. And the constant nosy and curious nature does get annoying at points. Yes, okay, we tend to tell children it’s good to be curious and that they should keep asking questions, but then there are grown-ups who do not know where to draw the line. Sometimes, someone tells you something, and you should possibly just accept that without questioning their reasons. Now, this is when they’re saying something about themselves, not making a universal statement of course. It’s like there’s a basic lack of respect for someone’s boundaries, and you cannot ask them to respect it without them questioning you or mocking you about the same.
adult, business, cablesStage fear is so horrible. It’s sadder when you know you didn’t always have it. It’s sad to know that at some point I was a person who loved being onstage, and would try out for all activities that involved the same, and now when I try auditioning, there’s shaky voice coming in, there’s forgetting lines, there’s a rushed tone and what not. To think of it, when did I get judged so bad, that now I can’t really face people? It’s weird to know that I know the answer to this, but don’t really know how to fix it. But maybe that’s how things go sometimes. You don’t know how to fix some things, and that’s okay. Maybe they’ll fix themselves over time, or maybe they won’t. The future is something I cannot really look into, so not much that I can claim about the same.

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Self-pity, Failures and Rain.

i’m back πŸ˜€

It’s been three weeks since I last updated here. Quite saddening the state of my writing, my blog, my life, everything indeed.

Over this period of time, there were quite some stressful days, and then there weren’t. Like I had a phase, where I had to go through a good amount of getting my ideas rejected until I finally managed to put up a final presentation and a final artefact. And it was awfully stressful, not knowing what to do, being clueless about what to work on, etc. Quite sure I had a point where I was sure I wouldn’t manage to finish it, and would rather have a breakdown instead. But then to think of it, I find it quite impressive the amount of rejected ideas I could come up with. Yes, I know it’s not something to be proud of, but it’s pretty insane how I could possibly think of so many ideas in general, that is, ignoring the fact that they got rejected. Honestly though, and because of the amount of rejection, it feels like nothing can match that. Sometimes, something goes wrong and I find myself thinking,”Oh this feels like nothing compared to when I got rejected so many times…” Somehow takes me back to when I was in 11th and failed an Accounts unit test. Nothing could possibly compare to how royally I failed then, and because of that one time, failure at times doesn’t seem like a major issue.

Also, I realized how quite a few times, I’ll just be sitting here pitying myself about something or the other. It’s funny to me how if I track the reason as to why I’m doing so, it usually tends to go back to the same few reasons, or same few people. And then there’s envy. You tend to envy what you do not have. So when I notice someone having something I could only wish I had, naturally the self-pity and envy begins. And maybe the solution to that is acceptance, but it’s known that acceptance as an idea itself could be hard to grasp onto, and harder to actually accept.
sun109

These days I don’t look out of the window before sleeping anymore. I don’t really spend much time thinking about things anymore. Not that I don’t want to, I just sometimes find it exhausting to. Times like these, I’m very glad for the weather. As I lay on my bed, I can see the lightning flash across the sky, and thundering sounds follow soon after.And it’s beautiful. To see the sky light up for a fraction of a second, and also illuminate my room for the same. Then soon, it’s pouring outside. And the rain lightly crashes against my window pane, and by this time, I’m in my own chain of thoughts, too absorbed to think of anything else. And then the rain crashing against my window, also soothes me enough, to make sure I fall asleep soon too.

#Sundays- Courage and Different People.

i’m so lazy, exhausted and tired and all that aaahhh just this week and then I’ll have a good weekend πŸ˜€

So, I skipped another Sunday, and it’s a good time to say I’m clearly bad at committing to this thing, like I’m at a lot of other things like exercising, eating healthy, practising singing daily, etc. Another thing I badly want to do and manage to let my laziness and fatigue get the best of me anyway. But hey, as I write this, my eyes are already shutting, but I’m here writing anyway because no, I don’t want to miss another Sunday. Sometimes, it feels like it’s been so long since I wrote, although I did so just yesterday in a journal.

Image result for it takes 20 seconds of courage
Image Source: Pinterest.

There’s this thing that I had once read and I believe in- Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and something good will come out of it. Honestly, if you had the courage to start something, if you had the courage to begin a venture, then you deserve to see it until the end. And sometimes, maybe you attempt something, and you don’t really know what you gained out of it, and that is fine too. Maybe sometimes, all you get out of doing something is the satisfaction of doing it, and sometimes that is good enough. And in the longer run, that is more than enough. Years later, you’re probably not going to remember who trusted you at that point, who didn’t, who was there for you, and who saw you accomplish something, etc. What will matter to you, is that you did it. You were scared, and nervous and worried and you went ahead and did it anyway. And there’s so much to be proud of in that simple moment. (The kind of motivation I need to get through finals week is right here, haha).

 

And then there are people. Certain people who do all these things for you, some things tiny, some things large, and maybe they don’t really realize how much it means to you, but it does. Sometimes you’re so used to being all by yourself, and your perpetual state of feeling nothing, it’s so weird to actually feel anything at all. And it’s all because of some other people’s actions? Aren’t they very much right about actions speaking louder than words?

And then there are people who can’t understand you. Certain people are always going to think that they know you well, they know what you’re probably thinking and feeling, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be true. You can try convincing them of your point, and if you’re lucky they’ll probably get it, but more often than not, it’s not the case. So it’s fine. Maybe they know you well, but at the end of the day, they’re their own person. And how much ever they try to understand you, their own ideas, thoughts, opinions, etc. is going to influence their perceptions of you. So it’s fine if they do not agree with what you think about your own self regarding something that probably matters to you. You can’t convince the whole world of everything and anything anyway.

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Internet Friendships & Happiness.

I forgot last Sunday effectively.

Another Sunday. I skipped the last one, because of very stupid reasons, but what’s gone is gone, and I can’t keep fretting over it all the time. So hey, I forgot to post last Sunday. I’m unproductive sometimes(the entire week), but hey, nevermind.

And it’s that time of the year. Friendship Day. A bit weird how we need a particular day to declare our love for our friends, but the same can be said about Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Valentines Day, etc. Although I’d like to believe if someone is your friend after a particular age, you know whether they are here to stay or not. Why do you need a particular day for that? Although sometimes a declaration from friends about how much you mean to them, could mean a lot. Moreover, it’s funny how people judge other people based on how they became friends with someone. I have friends I met over the internet, over a band obsession I had in high school, and we still talk. It’s been about 4 years since then, I’ve met them now, and we’re still pretty much in touch, and I know if I need any help, they’ll be there. In fact, I know if I ever find myself alone or lost in their hometowns, they’re just one call away. And for some reason, it makes me feel safe.Β  I’m not promoting internet friendship here or saying that everyone should add random people for friends, but I do believe that some things are just meant to happen, and friendships are one of them. Sometimes you meet people, and you just connect. And I’m not even the most social person there is. Hell, I’m the total opposite. And I still believe that certain people are meant to walk into your life and to stay.

sun608
Image Source: pexels.com

Also, a good conversation with a friend resulted into talking about Happiness. I’ve realized how aimless I am about what I see happiness as, in future. But maybe I do not need to see it as something in the future, but something that I’m supposed to achieve now. But currently, I’m a little tired of actually achieving anything in general. Moreover, I think, hope is what we all live on. We all like to hope for a better tomorrow, and it acts as a driving force for our present. So when I say, that I don’t really have much that I’m actually looking forward to, then what is my driving force here? And yes, I have a lifetime to figure out what I’m doing, and making peace with being this lost, but then I also wonder, if I really do have a lifetime, or is that something I keep telling myself, pretending to buy more time for myself, while my clock ticks by, each second as important as the one before..

 

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Thinking a lot.

i can’t think??

As time passes by, I’ve come to realize how much time I have to myself. Now when you get so much time to yourself, and when you’ve got nothing to do, you’re forced to be with your thoughts. I’ve come to realize that it’s not the best idea for me at least. Alone time is good. I cherish my own company over anyone else’s, but sometimes, giving so much time to just myself and my thoughts lead to certain dark corners of my mind that I do not like to go over. There are some lonely dark lanes that we are told to not go, after a certain point of time, during the day, and same could be said about the mind. It’s fine to just think about something, but once you intently start putting a lot of thought into it, that could be a bit dangerous. You could find yourself wishing that you hadn’t come this far. Moreover, sometimes these thoughts are about things that haven’t even happened. Maybe, it’s not about you at all, but someone altogether different. But it keeps coming to you, and that is very annoying.
sun237

Finally, my joblessness is going to come to an end, as my courses for college start tomorrow. Second year begins, and I don’t know how much my motivation levels will last, but lets at least start with a bit of enthusiasm, if not anything else. Signing up for an entire year’s course has been a bit of a pain, but it does make you feel more responsible. So if you don’t like what you do, you’re the only one to be blamed here.

πŸ™‚

#Sundays- Writing, Peace and Winter.

so much written ah πŸ™‚

With each passing day, I grow lazier. I’ve been at home aka my PG room for the past 3 days, and you’d think I was at least a bit productive, but nope, nothing. What is saddening, is the fact that how once upon a time, I could eat up books in a matter of hours, and now I can’t even finish reading a 20-page book in 3 days. What a pathetic state. And when my reading has reduced this much, one can just imagine the condition of my writing skills.

sun167
Image Source: pexels.com

Every night before I sleep, I turn the lights off, and open the curtains slightly, to let a bit of the light from the streets pour in, and illuminate my room with a dim yellow shimmer. As I do this, before I go to sleep, I stare out the window, and onto the quiet, lonely street that I stay on. This is usually around midnight, and not a soul is around at this time. The street looks as lonely as it possibly could under the dim, depressing yellow streetlights, with no animals or people engaging in any sort of activity on this tiny lane. As I stare out at this point, a scenario which I might just have described to be depressing gives me immense peace on the inside. How? I don’t know. But something about just sitting at the window, in a room full of darkness, staring out into an empty street, a cozy blanket around, is very calming. And the silence of the night hour also gives me time to ponder over things. This is precisely the time, when I think about writing, and what I should be writing, and why am I not writing. And this is also precisely the time when I decide that I’ll definitely do it the next day, and end up not doing it. And I know, the only way I can actually accomplish it, is by actually starting and not waiting for motivation to happen. Let discipline take the cake, and I shall definitely try, but then again, there are too many pending things, and I know that unless I start finishing them off one by one, there is no way it’s going to happen but I experience a slight gap between knowing what is to be done and actually doing it.

https://static.pexels.com/photos/448835/pexels-photo-448835.jpeg
Image Source: pexels.com

Also, lately I realize that I haven’t written poetry in so long. Every night I think of that too. And I don’t know if it happens to others, but sometimes there are certain things I see, certain people I meet, or certain incidents that happen, that make me go, “Hey I could write a poem on this.” Now it’s not like I’m meeting these people, or experiencing certain things just so I could write about it, but it’s like an involuntary action happening, where my brain just immediately clicks and asks me to pen it down, it’s just that I never really get to it. Moreover, I remember a few months back I was pondering over how my writing style has changed, especially with respect to poetry as I went from writing pieces with choruses that would fit a rhythm and meter, to just long pieces with rhyme and tune to free verse and to narrative style. And it’s nice to see that, but I just felt like as I moved to more free verse and narrative, the sense of music started to slip out, and as much as it’s not a bad thing and these are individual styles in itself too, a part of me really doesn’t want to let go of the previous ones. These are where I started and I still would love to go back to the same. Write to the music in my head.

Image result for dead poets society quotes
Image Source: pinterest.com

Today, I was discussing with a friend how certain people just use fancy words while talking or writing just to sound smarter. Now to me, writing is about communicating something so I believe it should be simplistic but at the same time good enough to convey the message you want to put across/make another person visualise something well enough. But then again, the simplicity of writing is a subjective concept. What is simplistic to me, might not be the same for the next person. Maybe I’ll feel dumb for not understanding certain terms, and the other person just finds these same terms normal. But what might be a good thing to do here, is probably find out what these fancy words you don’t know mean are. Not only would that add to one’s vocabulary, but also make them realize if the person writing/speaking is making any sense or not.

Related image
Image Source: fanfest.com

And, lastly, tomorrow morning, the first thing I do, even before I brush my teeth is, turn my laptop on, and download the first episode of Game of Thrones Season 7. Because WINTER IS FINALLY HERE. The Great War is here. And anybody who gives me spoilers should know that I choose violence πŸ™‚

 

 

#Sundays- Moving out, and Appearances.

So my ‘post every Sunday regime’ got broken already as I didn’t post last Sunday. Hmm, that’s a bit of sad state my dedication levels are at. You’d think this would be a long post, but sadly, it isn’t.

For starters, I’m back in Bangalore. Single room, quiet and simple town life. We were busy moving everything to the new room, which would explain why I couldn’t post. As the week progressed, I saw newbies come to our PG. And just like any other senior, I find them dumb. It’s funny watching them struggle to carry their huge bags up the stairs and asking very stupid questions, not knowing the locality, etc. Such a throwback to last year when we were in their place. I love knowing that a year has gone by. We are no more the new batch. We are seniors. And it’s another three years till the degree.

Image result for the teal door cafe
Image Source: foodlovers.in

Today we went to The Teal Door Cafe, for lunch, with the dear family of my close PGmates. And as much as I’m not a fan of going out, or spending much anymore, I appreciate the presence of certain people quite a lot even if I fail at expressing it. We always have those people who make things seem alright. And it’s so nice to have them around. Although next time, I’d probably like going for dinner instead of lunch because I don’t want to wake up, haha.

As I moved out, I was a bit worried if I’d find myself lonely sometimes. But at least for now I don’t. I find myself at the old building with my friends pretty much every day, also given the fact that the mess is there. It’s nice to know that I can just show up there and we can spend time together, have a good chat, eat, and have fun. It’s also nice that I can come back here and enjoy my peace. However, I still haven’t quite figured out why this place feels safe and my home in Mumbai doesn’t. Maybe someday I’ll know.
sun97

 

Lately, I realized when you’re close to someone, you give them rights, to be honest with you, but sometimes it might come out wrong. Like being honest is good, being honest about how someone looks is not? I don’t think one person or a bunch of close ones should get to decide what looks good on you and what doesn’t. People who are close to you are supposed to be the ones who see beauty in you the way you are, and not ones who ask you to change things about yourself just so you look appealing to them. There are so many dumb people out there with nothing but good eyebrows, nobody goes and asks them to get a brain transplant, so hey, how about we stop making it seem like you can’t do a thing if you don’t look pretty?

 

πŸ™‚